9 Questions to Consider Before You Open Your Mouth
Call me crazy, but I believe that words matter.
The way we talk about or describe things matters.
How we address people matters, whether groups or individuals.
What we speak, write, type, tweet, or post matters.
The individual words we string together in order to make sentences, convey ideas, and express our opinions matter.
Over the last couple years of life, I have decided to up the intentionality of the words I speak, when I say them, the tone that they are delivered with, and the motivation from which they spring forth.
I am a talker. The most prominent role of my job involves speaking. Life is not scripted like a sermon, though. I have a bent toward saying what I am thinking, when I am thinking it. My personal history attests to the reality that I have a tendency to talk first, think second. I cannot count the number of times I have spoken something and then wished that real life had an edit button.
Unfortunately, that button does not exist. We cannot grab those words out of the air and put them back into our mouth, no matter how badly we might want to. Once spoken, we can apologize for or deal with the ramifications of our words, but we cannot make those who heard them or were affected by them un-hear or be unaffected.
With that in mind, I have developed a habit of continually asking myself the following string of questions as it relates to the things I think I need or want to say. Since I hesitate to believe that I am the only human with this particular struggle, maybe these questions will be helpful for you too:
Is my voice necessary or helpful here?
Far too often, we launch into speaking when, if we are honest, we know that we are not the person who ought to be talking. Maybe there is not a yes or no to the first part of that question, but when we stop and think about it, it is not the most helpful for us to speak. When we yell at the referee from the stands or offer our advice when it was not sought, we are speaking in a place where our voice is not necessary or helpful. I mean, how many times has the ref changed his mind because you let him know from your lawn chair on the sideline that he is an idiot?
Is what I am about to say necessary and helpful?
Similar to the question above, but this one is about content. Many of the things we say on a daily basis are completely unnecessary. That does not mean we need to be silent, but it does surface the reality that our unnecessary or unhelpful words are the ones we typically wish we could have back once they have come flying out of our mouth.
Is what I am about to say true?
Simple. Are we being honest? Are we leaving something out in order to put ourself in a better light? Are we exaggerating something in order to put ourselves in a better light? Do I know or have all the facts necessary to make the statement I am about to make?
Is what I am about to say accurate?
This is different than asking whether or not something is true. I am not sure if you have noticed, but exaggeration has become the default setting in informal American description. The trend these days is to flippantly say, “This is the best (or worst) ________,” or, “You absolutely have to _______,” “________ was perfect.” Maybe it seems like I am nitpicking here, but if you tell me something is the best, then it is not the best, I am not likely to trust your opinion the next time. Something can be good, wonderful, terrific, fantastic, etc. It can be less-than-stellar, not as good as I was hoping, underwhelming, etc. Save the best and worst for the one thing that truly is the best or really is the worst. Those are more accurate. They also require a little more thought. Words are fun. There are a lot of them. Pick the right ones.
Is what I am about to say gracious, generous, and/or charitable?
There is a human on the other side of the things we say. We can see that in normal conversation, but so many of our words today are given voice on the internet, in social media spaces, separated from the flesh-and-blood human we are addressing. Odds are, even if that human disagrees with something foundational to who you are as a human being, they are not evil, they are not stupid or ignorant, they are not the scum of the earth, and they do not need to be treated as such. No current sector of contemporary American discourse highlights this reality more than the way we engage in vague, internet-driven, political conversation.
Social media makes it all-too-easy to lapse into harsh, cutting, and critical verbiage simply because the “other person” is a group of people or some public figure who is likely never going to see what we said. That may be the case, but in those instances (and in all instances), our words represent us. What we say says as much about us as it does about the topic of discussion or the other person we are describing. Be gracious. Be generous. Be charitable. Speak to (or at, as is usually the case on social media) the “other” like they are a real human. Because they are. And because you would want them to talk about you with the same base setting.
Would I say what I am about to say if __________ was standing here next to me?
If we would not (and could not) say it lovingly and directly to them, then we probably do not need to say it while they are not there. That is gossip, and it benefits no one. All it does is feed our sense of pride or our selfish need to try to lift ourself above someone else. When tempted to speak something about someone who is not present, picture them sitting or standing there in the group. Would you still say what you are about to say? No? Then the bottom line is that there is no reason to say that thing.
Is this the right setting and audience for what I am about to say?
Does this need to be said right now in front of this group of people, in this meeting, while we are both teetering on the edge of emotional explosion, etc? Does this scolding need to happen in the bread aisle of the grocery store where the shame of other people hearing is also going to heaped on top of what is already being said? To this day, I can remember the setting, sounds, people present, etc. to some of the worst tongue-lashings I have ever received. Did I deserve those reprimands? Probably. Would they have been better received and potentially less traumatic in different settings? Absolutely. Here is what is interesting: I do not necessarily remember what was said in those instances. Context matters. Take a look around. Speak the right stuff at the right time in the right places. Doing so is exercising kindness toward the person we are speaking to, even if we have to say something difficult.
What tone is necessary to convey the emotion behind what I am about to say?
What we say is often less important than how we say it. There is usually a thin line between something sounding like a genuine question and that same something sounding like a sarcastic, passive-aggressive attack. A little thought will keep us on the right side of said thin line.
Why do I want to say this thing?
Do I just want to hear myself talk? Am I trying to make myself sound smart? Is the goal here simply to make sure I get the last word in? Is the purpose of what I am about to say simply to get in a “zinger” or to “stick it to someone?” If we are honest, many of the statements we make come from motives that are far less than pure. Sometimes we have to say hard things, but we can do so without tainted motives. In fact, until we are in that place, it is likely best to hold off on saying anything.
Important to note here: I am not stopping and asking myself each one of these questions every time I open my mouth. To do so would make for some long and awkward pauses in normal conversation. Instead, I have been working with these questions in general over the last few years and more or less have them running in my mind as a constant filter.
Now for some transparency:
First side of the coin: I am far from perfect with this. I mess it up regularly. Like most humans, I put my foot in my mouth with greater frequency than is preferable. But if nothing else, these questions have moved me more and more toward being “slow to speak. That, in and of itself, is a huge victory in this talkative person’s life. It also means I am listening more. In a conversation or dialogue with someone who may disagree with me, if I am going to be accurate, generous, helpful, etc. then I have to be very in tune with what they are saying to me.
Other side of the coin: In the last few years, nearly every time I have said something that I regretted saying, I have been able to pinpoint which of these questions would have kept me from saying what I said, how I said it, or where I said it. Not only that, but the reflection also brings clarity to the way I need to seek forgiveness.
“I am sorry. What I said was delivered with a tone that was far more cutting than necessary, which means the heart of what I was trying to say did not come through the way it should have. I did not intend to hurt you. Will you forgive me and give me another chance?”
“Earlier today when we were talking about ____________, I was not gracious. Please forgive me. I know that your intent was not to hurt me. I got defensive and it led me to be careless in the way I responded. Can we start over?”
“I need to apologize and ask for your forgiveness for offering my thoughts when it was not the right time/place for me to do so. That put you in a difficult or embarrassing situation. I am so sorry.”
Our words matter. A little forethought just might keep us all from reaching for that edit button…which does not exist.
